Grief and mourning in age-friendly communities
lisa white, lmsw, MThanatology, CT
lisa white, lmsw, MThanatology, CT
Grief Storm, Lisa Joy White, 2021
Grief is one of those things that we know we all experience at some point in our lives, yet none of us particularly like to talk about it. Unfortunately, one result of not talking about grief is misinformation about what grief is and what we do with it. Worse yet, another result of not talking about grief and loss is that many of us are forced to cope with grief all alone and do so with various inaccurate expectations or unwritten “rules”.
This chapter will provide you with some basic understanding about grief, loss, and mourning as well as provide some helpful tips to support those who are experiencing grief (including yourself) and ideas for raising awareness of advanced care and end of life issues in your community. Additionally, through this chapter you will be able to access some helpful resources.
Parts of this chapter will cause you to think about grief and loss in your own life. We suggest that you take your time with this chapter, be in the moment with any thoughts and emotions that come up, and treat yourself with the same grace and compassion you would give your best friend.
This video will briefly introduce what we will cover in our chapter about grief and loss along with expectations for participation. The video will then introduce three brief activities for you to complete before moving onto the next section.
Activity: Reflect on Your Beliefs and Experiences with Grief
Complete these two worksheets to explore your beliefs about grief and reflect on your personal experiences.
Is It a Myth.docxPersonal Experiences with Death.docxAfter completing the activities, please read the following two articles from the What's Your Grief website
What Does Grief and Mourning Look Like?
This video will briefly discuss the purpose of the activities you completed with the first video. We then cover a few definitions of terms used in this chapter. Believe it or not, even among the “professionals” in this field, there are differing thoughts on what even basic words and phrases mean. There is no right or wrong in this, but for this reason we believe that it is essential to discuss the specific terms and definitions being referred to in this chapter.
This video will cover what grief looks like, or how grief can express itself. I am a strong believer that anyone who is personally connected to someone who is bereaved, basically every single one of us, needs to be aware of the broad range of grief reactions. This, in itself, provides support by making the person aware that these types of reactions are common and they are OK.
If you are a visual learner or like to take notes, pull up or print the handout Expressions of Grief.
Expressions of Grief. LJW.2025.pdf
What Does Grief Look Like?
As we just learned, grief often expresses itself physically and cognitively. The following optional short videos discuss how grief shows itself in our body and in our brain. We recommend watching these before proceeding to the Reflection Activities.
Click here to view on YouTube (for the purposes of this chapter, you may stop the video at 2:08)
Click here to view on YouTube (for the purposes of this chapter, you may stop the video at 2:09)
Activity: Reflect on the Ways Grief Has expressed Itself in You
List the ways that grief has expressed itself in you.
If you had been asked Q1 before starting this skill chapter, would you have answered the same way?
What would you say to someone experiencing a lot of confusion and memory loss following a significant loss?
How would you address someone’s concerns about physical ailments such as shortness of breath or recurring headaches?
Additional Resources - What Grief and Mourning Look Like
Books:
Neimeyer, R. A., Harris, D. L., Winokuer, H. R., & Thornton, G. (2022). Grief and Bereavement in Contemporary Society: Bridging Research and Practice. Routledge.
O’Connor, M. F. (2022). The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss. HarperOne.
Websites:
Grief Talks: Caring Place Webinars. "GRIEF TALKS" is a series of educational webinars hosted by Caring Place staff members — experts with many years of experience working with grieving children, teens, and families. These seminars focus on a wide range of topics around grief and support, including suicide loss.
What’s Your Grief website. “Grief support for the rest of us. You don’t have to grieve alone. What’s Your Grief? is a place for grief articles, courses, creativity, sharing, community & more.”
Why Does My Grief Look Different Than Yours?
If grief is universal, why does it look so different from one person to the next? Why do we stress the importance that everyone needs to mourn (cope with the grief and loss) in a way that is best for that person? We briefly explore these questions in this part of the skill chapter by looking at various factors that can influence both our grief and the way we mourn a significant loss.
Factors that Influence Grief and Mourning
This infographic points out just a few of the many factors that influence how grief expresses itself in each of us and how we respond to that grief and loss. While grief is indeed universal, how it looks and how we cope is as unique as each one of us. What we need to understand is that grief and mourning are more complex than most people in our society typically believe.
For additional factors that impact grief and mourning, read this article by Jo Christner, Psy.D. and Evelyn Pechter, Psy.D. (March 22, 2023)
25 Factors That Affect How You Grieve And Heal From The Death Of A Loved One
Styles of Grief and Mourning
Drs. Terry Martin and Kenneth Doka have studied and written about different styles of grief and mourning. Hear Dr. Doka speak on this during an interview by listening to this podcast. Click here to view on YouTube (For the purposes of this chapter, listen to 2:28-6:41)
Activity: Reflect on People's Unique Experiences with Grief and Mourning
Describe a time when you thought someone wasn’t expressing their grief or mourning in the “right” way or it was very different from your experience.
Having an understanding of different patterns or styles (intuitive/instrumental) of grief and mourning, what would you say to someone who asserted that their partner (or friend, family member, neighbor, group member, etc.) wasn’t grieving because they weren’t expressing their emotions?
Additional Resources - Grief and Mourning: Factors and Styles
Books:
Doka, K. J. & Martin, T. L. ( 2025). Grieving Beyond Gender: Understanding Diverse Grieving Styles, 3rd ed. Routledge Publishing.
Doka, K. J. & Tucci, A.S. (Eds.). (2019). Living with Grief - Aging America: Coping with Loss, Dying and Death in Later Life. Hospice Foundation of America.
McCoyd, J. L. M. & Walter, C. A. (2016). Grief and Loss Across the Lifespan, 2nd ed. Springer Publishing.
Neimeyer, R. A., Harris, D. L., Winokuer, H. R., & Thornton, G. (Eds.). (2022). Grief and Bereavement in Contemporary Society: Bridging Research and Practice. Routledge Publishing.
See other works by Dr. Kenneth Doka on his website.
Podcast:
What’s Your Grief podcast, Is there a Right Way to Grieve?
How do I Help Myself and Others After A Loss?
In this section of the skill chapter, we explore some of the many ways we can help others experiencing grief, as well help ourselves when we are experiencing a significant personal loss. Just as there is no one way in which grief expresses itself nor one way to mourn or cope with a loss, there is no one right way to help another along their grief journey. We need to provide support in a way that is helpful to that particular person experiencing that particular loss.
Here, we will look at how the use of language can be beneficial, through questions about the person’s experience as well as acknowledging and validating one’s experience. We also consider how the use of the activities and self-care can play an essential part in helping someone to adjust to the many changes brought about through loss, including secondary and non-death losses.
Supporting Others
The following brief videos and articles provide some tips for how we can help someone who is experiencing grief.
Click here to view on YouTube (For the purposes of this chapter, you may stop the video at 3:38)
“Grief is not a problem to be solved but an experience that becomes an ongoing part of one's life. Dealing with grief as it ebbs and flows over time requires ongoing coping that takes many shapes and forms.” Eleanor Haley
“Loss is usually associated with death, yet the pain of secondary and non-death losses is also deeply impactful. These quieter, often overlooked griefs emerge in the wake of various life changes, such as the end of a career, the dissolution of a relationship, a financial setback, or a health diagnosis.” Heather Stang
“It is true that grief is personal and unique to everyone. It is also true that grief is social; that is, there is a collective loss and grief of communities, of nations, and of the world. This is why communal rituals and gatherings are so important. There is an energy, and a healing, that takes place when we come together as friends, as family, as community.” Lisa Joy White
Click here to read article in the Piscataquis Observer, July 14, 2020
Expressing one’s grief through creative outlets, such as painting, dancing, music, photography, woodworking, etc. can help process the pain.
Through the Lens of Grief, Lisa Joy White, 2021
The Importance of Community After a Loss
Self-Care - Supporting Myself
Self-care is important every day and even more essential during times of grief, yet it is often the last thing we think about.
Why is that? In the massive pain of grief, we tend to believe that what we need to “feel better” must be something complex, new, and/or outside of ourselves. The basics of self-care seem too simple to help us with an experience that is very complex. But the truth of the matter is that these “simple, basic” activities help our bodies and brain function in a way that we are better able to cope with the loss and all the experience entails.
Activity: Reflect on Grief Support
Mixed Media Floral, Lisa Joy White, 2020
Reflect on a personal death or non-death related loss. What did you find helpful and supportive from others? What was not helpful? Do these responses change when you think of a different personal loss?
Considering your community, what are two ways you could bring community members together to mourn a loss through ritual?
Since self-care is essential when we are experiencing grief, what are two things you can do to remind yourself to engage in some of the basic self-care activities, such as drinking water or moving your body? What are a couple things you could do to encourage or help a community member engage in such activities?
Additional Resources - Supporting People Coping with Grief and Mourning
Books:
Bonanno, G. A. (2019). The Other Side of Sadness: What the New Science of Bereavement Tells Us About Life After Loss. Basic Books.
Coenen, C. (2018). Seasons of Grief: Creative Interventions to Support Bereaved People. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
Coenen, C. (2018). Shattered by Grief: Picking up the pieces to become whole again. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
Devine, M. (2017). It’s OK That You’re Not OK. Sounds True.
Forsythia, S. (2020). Your Grief, Your Way. Zeitgeist.
Harrington, J. A. & Neimeyer, R. A. (Eds.) (2021). Superhero Grief: The Transformative Power of Loss. Routledge.
Hone, L. (2024). Resilient Grieving: How to Find Your Way Through Devastating Loss, (2nd ed.). The Experiment Publishing.
Strouse, S. (2013). Artful Grief: A Diary of Healing. Balboa Press.
Podcasts:
Grief Grower with Shelby Forsythia
What’s Your Grief podcast, Is there a Right Way to Grieve?
Websites
Heather Stang is a thanatologist, yoga therapist, and relationship coach. Through her website, she provides private sessions, grief support community, books, and free resources.
Refuge in Grief Megan Devine is a best-selling author, psychotherapist, podcaster, and grief advocate. This website offers a variety of resources including a podcast, videos, articles, and tip sheets for those who are grieving as well as those who support the bereaved.
Suicide Awareness Voices of Education (SAVE) This website offers several 1-page resources for those who are bereaved or are helping someone who is bereaved by suicide.
Support After Suicide. This website is based out of the UK and offers useful information to both survivors and those who are helping survivors of suicide loss.
“Finding the Words: How to support someone who has been bereaved and affected by suicide”
What’s Your Grief website. “Grief support for the rest of us. You don’t have to grieve alone. What’s Your Grief? is a place for grief articles, courses, creativity, sharing, community & more.”
Grief - Review Activity
Activity: Myths about Grief and Mourning
Grief - Connecting with Community
Congratulations, you’ve made it to the end of the skill chapter. But, you might be saying, “This is great information to help individuals in my community, but how do I bring it to the larger community?” Great question!
A few ideas to consider:
Reach out to your local medical and volunteer hospices to invite them to collaborate in an educational or supportive event. Also, many hospices provide grief resources and services to the community.
Connect with counselors and therapists in the surrounding area to inquire if they have had any specific training in grief and/or traumatic grief. Remember all those myths and misconceptions we looked at? Many professionals also hold on to misinformation if they have not been specially trained in grief therapy.
Build a group of community members that would be willing to prepare a meal or two, go grocery shopping, mow the lawn, or any other practical chores. Then, when you know of a significant loss in the community, call on a few volunteers to offer help to the person or family that is experiencing grief. Personal supports around the bereaved typically help cover needs for the first two or three weeks, but then support tends to dissipate. This is the time to reach out to offer assistance.
Start a book or movie club and select grief-related stories, book chapters, webinars, podcasts, and movies to cover and discuss as a group. This is a great way to inform community members about the realities of grief, mourning, and how we can help one another. It also creates a safe space to openly talk about questions, thoughts, and concerns. This particular group should not be set up or advertised as a grief support group.
Activity: Reflect on Ways to Connect with Community
Identify two community resources you can reach out to.
What activity from the list above seems doable in your community? What other activities can you think of?
Thank you for allowing us to share this chapter on grief and mourning in our communities with you. We hope you found it beneficial. If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to reach out.
For a list of online resources for death by suicide, click here.
For a list of support groups available to Maine residents, click here. This list was developed specifically for suicide and other traumatic deaths but includes support groups for any death-related loss.
Websites:
Grief Talks: Caring Place Webinars. "GRIEF TALKS" is a series of educational webinars hosted by Caring Place staff members — experts with many years of experience working with grieving children, teens, and families. These seminars focus on a wide range of topics around grief and support, including suicide loss.
Heather Stang is a thanatologist, yoga therapist, and relationship coach. Through her website, she provides private sessions, grief support community, books, and free resources.
Refuge in Grief Megan Devine is a best-selling author, psychotherapist, podcaster, and grief advocate. This website offers a variety of resources including a podcast, videos, articles, and tip sheets for those who are grieving as well as those who support the bereaved.
Suicide Awareness Voices of Education (SAVE) This website offers several 1-page resources for those who are bereaved or are helping someone who is bereaved by suicide.
Support After Suicide. This website is based out of the UK and offers useful information to both survivors and those who are helping survivors of suicide loss.
What’s Your Grief website. “Grief support for the rest of us. You don’t have to grieve alone. What’s Your Grief? is a place for grief articles, courses, creativity, sharing, community & more.”
Books:
Bonanno, G. A. (2019). The Other Side of Sadness: What the New Science of Bereavement Tells Us About Life After Loss. Basic Books.
Coenen, C. (2018). Seasons of Grief: Creative Interventions to Support Bereaved People. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
Coenen, C. (2018). Shattered by Grief: Picking up the pieces to become whole again. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
Devine, M. (2017). It’s OK That You’re Not OK. Sounds True.
Doka, K. J. & Martin, T. L. ( 2025). Grieving Beyond Gender: Understanding Diverse Grieving Styles, 3rd ed. Routledge Publishing.
Doka, K. J. & Tucci, A.S. (Eds.). (2019). Living with Grief - Aging America: Coping with Loss, Dying and Death in Later Life. Hospice Foundation of America.
Forsythia, S. (2020). Your Grief, Your Way. Zeitgeist.
Harrington, J. A. & Neimeyer, R. A. (Eds.) (2021). Superhero Grief: The Transformative Power of Loss. Routledge.
Hone, L. (2024). Resilient Grieving: How to Find Your Way Through Devastating Loss, (2nd ed.). The Experiment Publishing.
McCoyd, J. L. M., Koller, J., & Walter, C. A. (2019). Grief and Loss Across the Lifespan: A Biopsychosocial Perspective, 3rd ed. Springer Publishing.
Neimeyer, R. A., Harris, D. L., Winokuer, H. R., & Thornton, G. (Eds.). (2022). Grief and Bereavement in Contemporary Society: Bridging Research and Practice. Routledge Publishing.
O’Connor, M. F. (2022). The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss. HarperOne.
Strouse, S. (2013). Artful Grief: A Diary of Healing. Balboa Press.
See other works by Dr. Kenneth Doka on his website.
Podcasts:
Grief Grower with Shelby Forsythia
What’s Your Grief podcast, Is there a Right Way to Grieve?
Meet Your Chapter Guide
Lisa White, LMSW, MA, CT
Lisa holds a master’s degree in social work with concentrations in both clinical and macro areas of practice. She also holds a master’s degree in thanatology (dying, death, and bereavement), is certified in thanatology (CT), and has earned a graduate certificate in gerontology. She is passionate about the care of families and individuals across the lifespan who are facing advanced illnesses, end-of-life issues, and those who are bereaved. She is also an advocate and educator for advance care and end-of-life planning.
In her free time, Lisa enjoys coffee time with good friends, playing in the art studio, admiring the flowers in her patio garden, and relaxing with her cats.
During this chapter, we hope you will gain a few tools to support yourself and others in your community after a loss.
If you have any questions as you are going through the material, please email: lifelong@maine.edu.
The Lifelong Maine Skill Building Series was developed as part of the Community Connections project.
Funding for the project was provided through support of the Governor's Cabinet on Aging and Office of Aging and Disability Services.
We are deeply grateful for the funding and for the thought leadership provided by Elizabeth Gattien, Coordinator of the Governor's Cabinet on Aging.